Dudley Ryder is clearly an arse, however he is our arse, and in his latest missive from London he puts some of the political happenings in the UK into, ahem, plain English. No, we don’t think the ‘blogosphere’ is still a thing either.

Greetings, Blogosphere. It’s me, Dudley Ryder, part-time MC and full-time media personality. Picture the great sex icons of the ages… Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Marilyn Monroe, Nye Bevan, Audrey Hepburn, Sharon Stone, Chancellor Helmut Schmidt, Rihanna, George Galloway… Spot the odd ones out? That’s right, none of them deserve to be in that list, except Bevan, Schmidt and Galloway.

Photo: Garry Knight (Flickr); Licence: Public Domain

Politics is not just the new rock ‘n’ roll, it was rock ‘n’ roll before Cliff Richard grabbed his guitar and went on a Summer Holiday with a bunch of kids. Today’s teenagers want to hero-worship a figure of substance. Someone with brains as well as sex appeal. As 2015 showed during the UK General Election campaigning — when Twitter went apeshit for Ed Fucking Milliband — increasingly they are finding this in the world of politics.

Recent months have seen enormous upheavals. Brexit, which I confidently predicted in back in May [No you didn’t, Ed.], the rise of Trump and the resurgence of Corbyn. With that, it falls to me, former BNOC Powell and Captain of the Warwick University Men’s Lacrosse 2nd Team, to give you the low-down on how our lowly nation’s youth have reacted to these upheavals, and replaced Bieber, Drake and Brett Anderson with a new generation of pin-ups. Europe, pay attention.

Without further ado, I present to you the six new subcultures you need to know about to fully understand my fellow traumatised Brits.

The McDonnellards

Much fuss has been made in the media about the young Corbynistas and their peculiar Geography teacher fetish. Less has been written about the cult that’s grown up around UK Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell. Calling themselves the McDonnellards, his teenage fans have been known to glue bushy black eyebrows onto their foreheads, and leave copies of Mao’s Little Red Book at his Hillingdon HQ in loving homage to their hero.

Likes: Great Leaps Forward Dislikes: Chuka Umuna, The Kuomintang

Smithers

Owen Smith’s Labour leadership bid may have had all the success of a fresher downing his tenth VK stumbling towards the fit SU President in Pryzm, singing One Dance, but he has inspired a small but passionate subculture. Much like the Milifandom, girls attracted to the sort of nerdy guys who get the stunner in a Woody Allen film (the fella always knew how to write it so the fit ones fancied him amirite?) flocked to Smith. Many copy their idol, wearing round glasses and mumbling in half-empty rooms. This is THE must-have look for all you fans of cuckold porn.

Likes: The EU, nipple play Dislikes: Beards, large rallies

Tramps for Trump

Photo: Petras Gagilas (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-SA 2.0

The Daddy of all subcultures. US Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fans prove, as does the fact that if you Google ‘justice’ the first suggested search is ‘… for Harambe’, you can never have too much of a good thing. Trump has reached legendary teen pin-up status in the UK reminiscent of a young Bowie. Devotees of the Mean Genie, the Short Orange Duke, hope he can take his movement mainstream! A young Trump Tramp, calling herself Juanita, said “when I first started loving Trump, there were almost none of us in the UK, but we are growing bigly. This is one of the bigliest trends in the whole world now”.

Likes: Memes Dislikes: La Tasca, big hands

Sisters for Isis

One of the more daring youth movements, this has been growing fastest in the UK among medieval history re-enactment societies and former emos with lots of black clothes. I spoke to one young ISIS diehard who said “I became a Sister for Isis because of the music, but then they banned music. So now I’m in it for the guys, or I would be if they hadn’t locked me up and banned me from seeing men again.

Likes: Pillaging, crimes against humanity, Clean Bandit Dislikes: Misandry

Clintonistas

Whilst the media was obsessing over the so-called ‘Bernie Bros’, the presidential candidate whose poster covers most student walls is in fact Hillary Rodham Clinton. Calling themselves the Clintonistas, these new-age hippies like nothing more than kicking back with a beer, hitting the bong and listening to Simon and Garfunkel records whilst dreaming of a better tomorrow.

Likes: Robocop, Microsoft Outlook Email-be-Gone© Dislikes: Super-Predators

Rudd Boys

Inspired by new Home Secretary Amber Rudd, the Rudd Boy movement is believed to have sprung up in the clubs South London, where upcoming DJs began mixing old-school Trojan Records dub reggae cuts with Rudd’s speeches from Tory Party conferences. Rumour has it the Rudd Boy movement has now made it to Jamaica. That said, I’ve barely got a clue who the fuck she is, so don’t worry in Paris if you think she’s walked into the wrong room when you get down to negotiating our swift Brexit. (Thanks Lads, we’ll appreciate it.)

Likes: King Tubby, traditional family values Dislikes: Babylon, Taylor Swift

So there you go. Looking to fit in at the beginning of uni? Seeking to forge a new identity in the bleak, never-ending nightmare that is graduate life? Now’s your chance to make up for your pathetic school days, loser!

  • mm

    Dudley Ryder is, thankfully, fictional and his half-baked opinions should not be taken seriously. Any and all correspondence should be directed to E&M's Diaphragm Editors.

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