Meet Gregor Z, a non-assuming man with a special talent. From a very early age Gregor developed his unique skills to communicate to Nazis, the bald creatures that put a sour taste in the mouths of humanity. Gregor is among the few in Mordavia able to truly empathize with the hairless misfits – a skill he has gradually mastered over years of interaction and carefully honing his emotive palette, winning him the title of “Nazi Whisperer”. These days, Gregor has his own ranch where he takes care of tens of Nazis of different gender and age. Europe and Me was lucky enough to catch Gregor for a brief chat outside the reserve, which is allegedly a no go neighborhood for most of us.
E&M: What is to live among Nazis?
GZ: I know it may sound controversial, but there is a lot to learn from Nazis. These are interesting creatures, with rich individuality, very intuitive and down-to-earth. When they are not busy hunting for zealots to indoctrinate, they play their very intricate hazing games, involving disgracing the weaker ones publicly. Such a great fun and quite instructive, as it shows what happens if anyone strays from the pack. Generally, they care for their lot, and always make sure they cover each other’s backs, particularly when threatened by their natural enemies: the lowland liberals. Of course, there is a strong social hierarchy as well, and the alpha male has a lot on his plate – he makes sure profits are equally distributed when politicians throw them loot before elections, takes care of community spirit and negotiates with friendly coppers and football fans.
Of course, as carnivores they are not to be messed with, and can be very dangerous in some situations, particularly to vegans. But there is some charm in that, isn’t there?
E&M: How dangerous are Nazis?
GZ: Nazis are predatory species whose natural habitat nowadays is the Internet. In the past they were occupying safe spaces in underground emporiums, largely hidden from most humans. However, their original living areas were drastically reduced by law enforcement activity, forcing them to seek new areas to roam. The Internet has proven as a viable alternative to the lost ground, where they have more to develop and feast on human mediocrity. Of course, as carnivores they are not to be messed with, and can be very dangerous in some situations, particularly to vegans. But there is some charm in that, isn’t there?
E&M: What do Nazis eat? Are their lifecycles different from those of their human cousins?
GZ: They have a varied diet. Leftover pizza, lard crusts, pudding shavings, beer bottles, basically all products one could find in a drug-addicts fridge, plus some kinds of food that humans will not necessarily associate with Nazis, can be found on their menu. They are naturally inquisitive when it comes to finding and adapting new sources of food, as their long evolution from pigs to humanoids has taught them many hard lessons when it comes to survival. Of course, they have their preferences; they just really like to feed on ideology, a Hitler a day keeps the doctor away, as they say.
Their simple way of thinking has been under constant threat ever since Galileo Galilei made his preposterous claims that Earth, rather than being flat (as it is), is circular and revolves around an axis, like some kind of toy globe.
E&M: Are Nazis as vulnerable to changes in the environment as other big mammals?
GZ: Nazis are an endangered species. They need vast spaces to breed patriotic propaganda, as well as a critical mass of well-washed brains to spread their tenets. Mankind, with its intrinsic drive towards knowledge and education, has greatly reduced their natural habitat. Their simple way of thinking has been under constant threat ever since Galileo Galilei made his preposterous claims that Earth, rather than being flat (as it is), is circular and revolves around an axis, like some kind of toy globe. Moreover, raising individual prosperity in the last hundred years has diminished their breeding grounds, as less people have been falling into a circle of debt, depression and bestial promiscuity, leading to broken families and unwanted children. Although, recently there has been a reversal of that trend with the arrival of the neo-liberal economic order which, with its undercurrent of social alienation and aimlessness, has somewhat healed the wounds from the past.
E&M: Tell us something we did not know about Nazis?
GZ: Hm, I am not sure if there is something that stands out as truly unique. Nazis are simple beings that need simple things and that is what makes their viewpoint so attractive. Most species are easy to please if their basic needs are met: a little bit of hate, fake news and enemy subversion always seem to do the trick. A particularly funny quirk is how they show appreciation to each other: by kicking their loved ones in the face. It is a type of informal greeting they have developed over the years to communicate responsibility and trust. In addition, they are great botanists, with a sweet tooth for basil – they grow their own plants and you will never try a better pesto in the whole wide world.
Cover photo: Peter Smithson, CC BY-NC 2.0 (Flickr)