European politics is in a bit of a mess – here we offer our best ideas at fixing things. The planet is literally so screwed we’re down to relying on witch doctors and alternative medicine. 

Spain

Catalonia trying another shot-in-the-dark secession attempt exposed a latent fascist impulse in Mariano Rajoy, and because of this jack-booted idiocy uncertainty pervades, the atmosphere is poisonous and no-one trusts anyone. Socialist success story Podemos have gone very quiet.

The cure: Mariano Rajoy has done his best evil Disney character impression lately. Therefore there is simply one appropriate remedy. 

Senor Rajoy needs leeches. 

Hungary

Victor Orban set a wonderful anti-liberalism agenda that in many ways presaged Donald Trump. This is something we Europeans probably should be very proud of.

The cure: Mr Orban needs to chill the hell out and remember the old more tolerant times.

He ought to try a poultice of bread and milk, truly the medieval equivalent of a ‘chill pill’ that will take the heat out of the Hungarian PM’s boils (metaphorically). 

Italy

Photo: AeneaStudio (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 Guess who’s back, back again?

It’s been quiet in Italy since Renzi’s honourable but daft referendum-suicide pact, although Silvio Berlusconi fancies a comeback, which is nice and ominous, and says it all.

The cure: Curing lechery is hard, unfortunately. Try one of these old fashioned male chastity belts, Silvio.  (Author’s note: Don’t click on that link if you are at work – it gets weird.)

Germany 

Hasn’t had much of a government for a while. At one point quite recently there was a very ‘nothing-to-see-here’ vibe, and then, suddenly, unexpectedly to everyone (not really) coalition talks collapsed and Frau Merkel was forced to crawl cap in hand to the centre-left SPD. Things haven’t moved much since.

The cure: what old dependable Angela needs is a good sharp shock to get her back in tip top shape. Perhaps she and the surprisingly still relevant Martin Schulz should get some electroshock therapy and jar themselves into action. I mean AFD are like literally Nazis, wake up and tell them to get lost mainstream German politicos. 

This goes for Austria, too. A coalition with fascists is horrendous shit. 

Russia

Vladimir Putin is going to run again. Not that he needs to. He has a big reputation boosting World Cup coming.

The cure: This one defies alternative medicine. Just bloody get lost Vlad. (Maybe some garlic and a stake might help, though.)

UK

Photo: EU2017EE (Flickr); Licence: CC BY 2.0               Still splutterin’

The UK is torn between a messy Brexit-obsessed poor-trampling Right led by a powerless Prime Minister who is a hostage to about five separate factions within her own party (editor: breathe, Sam…), and an increasingly popular left who are probably morally compromised by a fair number of stupid historic ‘friendships’ and a weird old-fashioned admiration for Russia.

The cure: foot in mouth syndrome is tough to cure. Jezza doesn’t need much work though, he’s thoroughly cleaned up his act over the past year or two. Theresa however is harder. (It’s also hard to resist making a joke about industrial strength cough sweets.)

Maybe they should both take the mountain air somewhere alpine. (not least because last time Theresa May did that she decided to call an election which was really quite funny.) 

Photo: Stuart Williams(Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC 2.0
Peace at last. Witchcraft is excellent.

About the series

Cheap Shots are lazy, irritating, and don’t stand up to legal scrutiny.


Cover photo :
Photo: Tom Lee (Flickr); Licence: CC BY 2.0

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    Samuele Volpe is a real person of age and location undisclosed. For all enquiries please hire a private detective. Or follow him on Twitter @samuelevolpe

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