Lately the Internet has been stricken by a terrible news – Facebook, our beloved social network, has been filling budget gaps by selling our personal data to political lobbyists, who apparently used it to tamper in election results. Quelle surpise! Who knew that Facebook was not for free and we were paying with our data for the service. We know you have a heap of personal data to erase, so E&M has compiled the following guide to the types of information that you should probably not be sharing with Zucki and his horde of data craving zombies.
Date of birth
Start with your date of birth. We know you are old and tired, probably in your 30s, so birthdays are not fun anymore. They are certainly not an occasion to celebrate – each one gets you further away from the best time of your life, when you could chug vodka from a bidet and still find some dignity on the next day to go to work and lick your boss’s ass. Knowing your date of birth lobbyists can trick you by selling you socialist propaganda (in your 20s), neo-liberal ideas (30s) or right-wing populism (40s and above).
Birthdays are certainly not an occasion to celebrate – each one gets you further away from the best time of your life, when you could chug vodka from a bidet and still find some dignity on the next day to go to work and lick your boss’s ass
Where you are from
Facebook, the universe and God certainly do not need to know where you were born or where you grew up. Especially if it is some third world country with an unstable political system, where lobbyists find easy clients. The bigger the mess in your homeland the more your data is valuable to Facebook.
Gender and race
Here, you could use a little subversion and confuse Facebook by undergoing a sex change operation and modifying your skin color. Imagine the frustration you will cause when lobbyists profile you as a housewife and you come up as a lumberjack. Or a white trash male vs. a black university professor. The more users do that the more unreliable the information Facebook sells will be.
Your tax record
Delete any information revealing your miserable taxy history, which goes for you litigation record as well. If lobbyists get hold of such sensitive information about you, you will certainly become their bitch forever. They will make you do things you never thought possible like voting to exit the European Union or rallying for Trump.
Try to avoid posting info related to any skeletons you might have in the closet – a daughter locked in a basement somewhere, involvement in creepy cannibalistic rituals etc. Lobbyists may think you are a good candidate for the neo-Nazi party and target you as an Arian.
What you did last summer
You should certainly delete your pictures from last year’s holiday and that awful incident where you killed a person by accident and shoved one’s body in the forest on the side of the road. Also, try to avoid posting info related to any skeletons you might have in the closet – a daughter locked in a basement somewhere, involvement in creepy cannibalistic rituals etc. Lobbyists may think you are a good candidate for the neo-Nazi party and target you as an Arian.
Your university escapades
It is true you started using Facebook young and, in the beginning, you were not very careful what you put online. Especially those saucy pictures where you are drunk and wet in the club. It is not lobbyists Facebook will sell those to.
No matter whether you are a libertarian or a right-wing extremist delete any comments containing your personal views on world politics, social innovation, quantum mechanics or anything that could reveal your true opinion. Nobody likes people with attitude and that goes for lobbyists as well – it is more difficult to influence users who already have an opinion than those who don’t. Hence, you will be put in a separate file, you will be isolated from the crowd and undergo specific infiltration measures that will mess up your mind.
Your private life
Information about any family, kids, lovers and pets you have should be well hidden from the greedy eyes of lobbyist vultures. Any such information may indicate that you are happy, that your life is on track or that it has meaning besides pure vegetation. And appearing happy is something you should avoid at any cost – happy people are an easy target for the illuminati and tax authorities.
Pretty much everything
After you have gotten rid of all the information that proves you are alive you should ask yourself whether you still exist. After all nothing happens if it has not been posted on Facebook, so if all the above data has been deleted, technically that makes you a non-being. But you may end up happier that way, as this is what God intended.
Cover Photo: National Museum of American History Smithsonian (Flickr); License: CC BY-NC 2.0