As usual, E&M has liaised with our sources from the future to inquire how 2019 is going to shape up for Europe and the rest of the world. And we have great news for you: it will be a great year for comedy.
According to the evidence that our sources showed us (a picture of the European Parliament with a humongous phallus spray painted on its entrance and an “Orbán was here” inscription, as well as one depicting rivers of excrement in Brussels caused by a terrorist attack on the city’s sewage system), Europe is going to disintegrate in the funniest turn of events.
The provided images also show exactly how this is going to happen. Apparently, a huge chunk of ice will break away from the melting North pole cap and crash into Greenland, precipitating a commotion ending in this huge chunk of land tilting to the right and kissing Norway on the ass. Under pressure from behind Norway will serve as a mallet, wedging Denmark deep into Germany and splitting it in halves in a manner worse than Communism ever did. The resulting tectonic movements will lead to the continent breaking apart like a ripe melon, the rift following more or less precisely the former Iron Curtain (save for Austria: that will remain in the Eastern part).
a huge chunk of ice will break away from the melting North pole cap and crash into Greenland, precipitating a commotion ending in this huge chunk of land tilting to the right and kissing Norway on the ass. Under pressure from behind Norway will serve as a mallet, wedging Denmark deep into Germany and splitting it in halves in a manner worse than Communism ever did.
The large batch of pictures and media excerpts from the future also give us some insight into what major socio-economic and political developments will unfold in the next 12 months.
Although no general elections are anticipated in any of the key countries claiming to be European states (save for Poland, which does not, and Denmark, Greece and Ukraine, where Kremlin is expected to win), new political parties of catechistic zoophilic anthropomorphs are set to emerge all across Europe, taking cues from Trump’s reptilian buffonoids. These completely deformed creatures from the abyss will press their agenda of robbing the present of any sense.
The only European group that can meaningfully oppose them – the rainbow unicorns – will be given spiked drinks at a liberal orgy and enter into a state of catatonic dementia. They will continue believing that reason will chase away the ugly faces popping in their feeds while they are prancing on a green corporate meadow. Until they are caught one by one and force-fed sauerkraut to death.
Trump himself will disappear and will only remain as a symbol of the good ol’ days, when things made at least some sense. He will be replaced by the newest Chinese-made artificial intelligence Chelsey, who will be much more efficient in tweeting nonsense. Most governments on Earth will buy one of those, save for impoverished third-world economies, which will be sold talking monkeys half-price. However, those will still be more successful than Trump in being unpleasant.
The world will also be generally not a nice place to live on, as emerging dark entities as Bozonaro and the Easter Rabbit will nibble away the remaining vegetation and poison the atmosphere with miasma from their stinking cronyism.
Only E&M readers will stay safe and half-intelligent, so support us, for God’s sake!
Cover photo: Kegley♥, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)