< SWITCH ME >

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Photo: TijsB (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-SA 2.0

Methamphetamine is a powerful drug. Don’t do it if you are not sure you can handle the consequences. A party of European liberals apparently learned the hard way this past Saturday, March 25th 2017, when they incidentally overdosed on a euphoria-inducing substance, resulting in what has been described as a “severe drug-addled psychosis”. The participants gathered at the Schatzi and Twatzi Hall of Rome’s “Capitol” mixclub to celebrate the 60th birthday of Europa, a transgender socialite and a staunch supporter of human rights, but were instead caught up in a collective delusion involving pronouncing solemn vowels and reciting mass-appeal poetry from forbidden scrolls. As confirmed by urine and blood samples taken by medics that rushed to the scene, over two dozen of the attending delegates reportedly ingested excessive amounts of a concoction, colloquially referred to as “multi-speed”, an augmented form of amphetamine causing significant damage to the nervous system and reputation.

The participants gathered at the Schatzi and Twatzi Hall of Rome’s “Capitol” mixclub to celebrate the 60th birthday of Europa, a transgender socialite and a staunch supporter of human rights, but were instead caught up in a collective delusion involving pronouncing solemn vowels and reciting mass-appeal poetry from forbidden scrolls.

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Photo: Matthew (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

For moral reasons E&M did not take part in the convention, but our sources were able to obtain the basics, piecing together a picture that veers away from a purely accidental intoxication. Thus, a perfunctory check on Europa’s backstory revealed her as one of the oldest surviving meth addicts in Europe. Numerous sources confirmed her involvement in long-standing cross-continental debauchery, with her name involved in at least a few occasions of indulgence and mass hysteria. One report depicts Europa as the first abuser to openly propagate speed’s wider use as a stimulant, after coming down from the effect of war in the 1950s.

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Photo: Paul Stevenson (Flickr); Licence: CC BY 2.0

Coincidences don’t end there. Further evidence of conscious abuse emerges when witness accounts are considered. Insiders allege of the drug being administered voluntarily as part of an organized cult, as many of the delegates were members of the notorious Bildbart Group. Details emerge of a potential convocation to foresee the future in a ritual not much different from native North American or Siberian shamanistic practices. Such ceremonies often involve taking a hallucinogenic drug as a conduit to the spiritual realm. An important aspect is also establishing communion within an inner circle of diviners and a loose outer “layer” of uninitiated ones to complete the whole (usually an even number). Reportedly, however, one of the 28 chosen sybarites broke the circle and wandered off into an unknown direction. A big mistake, as one can still be spotted running mindless and naked in the fields of Cornwall.

This conforms to rumors of over-the-top methamphetamine revelry among European neo-liberals going as far back as the early 90s. Effects have been likened to visions of rushed unification, sympathy to refugees and an incessant urge to declare commitment on paper

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Photo: See-ming Lee (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-SA 2.0

Police are looking into possibilities including the drug being taken systematically. This conforms to rumors of over-the-top methamphetamine revelry among European neo-liberals going as far back as the early 90s. Particularly a now mythical meeting in Maastricht that reportedly set the stage for later uncontrollable benders among European bureaucratic elites. As of the effects themselves: abusers often declare visions of rushed unification, sympathy to refugees and an incessant urge to declare commitment on paper, allegedly not comparable to any other psychosomatic experience. As shared by Gonzaldo Dunce, a former master of ceremonies, who has been hiding in his home for years, “Multi-speed is the best solution and we fail to communicate to the citizens of Europe what they are missing”. Of course, as any strong drug multi-speed has its downsides. Among those are discernable symptoms, such as rotten teeth (hence the sky-rocketing dental care plans of EU politicians) and weight loss (have you ever seen an overweight European official?). Also, the notorious aftereffect of multi-speed binges, described as the meanest, most epic cold turkey in recent European history.

 

UntitledABOUT THE AUTHOR

Buffalo Mozzarella is a pseudonym of one of the pseudonyms of humanist, occult scholar and monk François Bidet. He has historcially been regarded as a writer of methaphysical dialecticts, bawdy jokes and erotic revelations, with most of his work coming out in the 16th century, when this news was written. 

Bidet's best known work is Really Though?, a justificaiton of the right of common peasants, migrants and other unwanted elements of society to die in peace.

Teaser photo: nino gualdoni (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

NEXT ISSUE 01.07.2017