Photo: Dedree Drees (Flickr); Licence: CC BY 2.0

We, citizens of Europe, think we have it all. Despite minor nuisances, such as falling birth rates, slowing economic output, youth unemployment, populism, migration, alienation, fear, lack of trust, stereotypes, xenophobia and ever-so-persistent dread it all seems to be going swell. But have things always looked so bright for Europeans? Previously we have tried to guide the eye of Euron to the future, sending out our time agents to scrape muck from the exhaust pipes of Leviathan’s afterlife. This time, however, we would like to take a look at the past, which, as that next right-wing party would kindly remind us, is where all the juice is. In a series of vignettes, internally known as “(Anything but) Filler”, we will try to shed light on the fortunes of humans, drawing breath in Europe over the years. To do that we will focus on particular time periods, carefully chosen with the help of a team of scientists, locked in a basement in Austria. We will be searching for truth where there is none, swimming in pools of gonorrhea-infested guts and snatching mustaches out of the enlightened nobility. Sounds like fun? Join us on a ride through history like no other.

CHAPTER I: 1816

The international situation. Gods and famine.

Our first pick is 1816. Well, that must have been a great year for Europe, you would say. Not like 1916, known mostly for all-out war, as well as martyrs attempting to create an all-Arab state, spanning from Aleppo in Syria to Aden in Yemen. Or 2016, when things started falling apart.

Photo: UrbanHippie BrownieCat (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

It was this cursed ideology, and its demon spawn – neo-liberalism, that ultimately decided the fate of the continent, despite multiple later efforts by the new benefactors to contain the evil through stifling peace accords.

But, we must disappoint you. 1816 was as dreary as any pre-Soviet year would suggest. Although, that one was exceptionally dull, and also, given the propensity of Europe to generate war, rather boring, as at the time the strong men of the day were switching gear. The continent had just been fixed the year prior by a bunch of sweet-talking goons at a congress in Vienna (even then the best city to live in the world, according to Bored Panda) after ousting Malaparte, evil overlord and horseman of the Apocalypse with a major stake in progressing liberalism in Europe. It was this cursed ideology, and its demon spawn – neo-liberalism, that ultimately decided the fate of the continent, despite multiple later efforts by the new benefactors to contain the evil through stifling peace accords.

On top of those 1816 saw the consequences of a peculiar development on a scale the likes of which had not been seen since the destruction of the Maya by a chicken God – a volcano eruption somewhere in the uncharted quadrants of Earth, which pumped so much sooth into the atmosphere that it literally obscured the sun. Bad luck Brian. Indeed, what followed was quite a bit of a downer: the ensuing climate issues brought about freezing crops and famine, as there was no summer. Soon enough Europe’s dirt roads filled with impoverished ragtag nomads, who were a tad too early since by that time Europe still had not built its rockin’ safe haven we are enjoying today.

The Swiss 3 ⅓. Covenant.

Photo: Darren Flinders (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-ND 2.0

That golden mixture of circumstances struck some nerve, and not just among the plebs, who were dying of starvation anyway. The rich were also moved, pacing warily around thеir huge creepy castles, made even more sinister by the permanent lack of sunlight and constant rain. One such castle in Switzerland hosted none other than Mary Shelley, a famous exorcist, Lord Byron, a neuromancer and the vampirist John Polidori, an odd company caught up in unusual circumstances. Numerous rumors have since been put in circulation regarding the agenda of this dark covenant, but as E&M sources reveal there were strange noises coming from the direction of the imposing building, the waters of the nearby lake turned brown and the dreams of the local peasants were stalked by Mary’s crooked valley Percy, whose pale figure appeared to be pinching their last stashes of Blutwurst.

Photo: Debbie R (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

One confirmed product was Frankenstein’s monster, a drooling inarticulate retard, created by a Jewish impostor from parts of human cadavers. Little did Shelley know that in less than two centuries Europeans would attempt to recreate the experiment by stitching together the remains of a handful of nation states. With the same dubious results.

Three days passed since any of the castle’s inhabitants showed their noses out, but the consequences took centuries to disentangle. One confirmed product was Frankenstein’s monster, a drooling inarticulate retard, created by a Jewish impostor from parts of human cadavers. Little did Shelley know that in less than two centuries Europeans would attempt to recreate the experiment by stitching together the remains of a handful of nation states. With the same dubious results. Nevertheless, the original monster reappeared exactly hundred years later as a disheveled wild-eyed hippy named Grigori, settling in the Russian czar court to wreak havoc on the local aristocracy. Grigori was eventually eliminated in 1916 by the that same nobility, which proved quite efficient against the undead.

Joseph Smith II.

Photo: Carl Jones (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC 2.0

However, there was also a second product of that faithful 1816 rendezvous that was never formally announced or endorsed by any of the partaking parties. An attempt to build the first ever superhuman, a century and a half before the konzlagers and Unit 731! Although more of a success than Frankenstein’s disaster, the creature, named Joseph Smith by his progenitors so they would not risk anonymity, turned out to be less super than human. Was it the quality of the used materials (potato for head, snake for genitalia) or the primitive state of electrical equipment, but Joseph suffered from unfathomable mental deformities, resulting in violent delusions.

The second prototype he built, Joseph Smith II, was altogether an improved copy, save for the wild visions. Including a recurring one, where he became the leader of a death cult after reading from a number of gold plates, buried in an outhouse.

To quench the noise in his head Joseph fled to America, where he continued experimenting with samples of his own flesh. The second prototype he built, Joseph Smith II, was altogether an improved copy, save for the wild visions. Including a recurring one, where he became the leader of a death cult after reading from a number of gold plates, buried in an outhouse. Seeing the potential and hell bent on destroying his former colony, the UK pimp king secretly invested in continuing the experimentation, creating a post-human race of populist assassins, rapidly putting an iron grip on America, and hence ruling the world to this very day.

End of chapter 1816. On to chapter 1111.

Teaser photo: nmmacedo (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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    Alex is Bulgarian and is currently stationed in Poland. He did Politics & Security at University College London and specialised at Charles University in Prague for a year. He is an analyst with interests in the region of Central and Eastern Europe.

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