We know you have been having those strange colorful dreams lately but do not fear – E&M is here to help you make sense of the unknown! Below is a roadmap how to distinguish between genuine nightmares and resurfacing recollections of that ecstatic prom night where you travelled 100 km to the big city, contracted a STD from a transvestite and got beaten outside a bar.
THE LIBERAL VERSION:
1. Trump is in it. He is standing on a soaked pile of pissed journalist cadavers, his Kremlin strings barely visible under the withered rainforest canopy protecting him from the shitstorm.
2. Slackers and the jobless are rising, and they kindly ask you to share your wealth with them. Well, maybe not so kindly. In any case, sooner or later they will catch up with you and hang you by your smart necktie.
3. The age of reason is over and, of all harpies of the ancient world, old-school religious dogma and love of the fatherland make a resounding comeback. “The people” apparently want to loop back to the Middle Ages, and you, as a minority, are expected to follow. Hanging also applies, in case you politely refuse.
4. Instead of enlightening the poor, advance in communication has had the reverse effect – spreading increasingly skewed versions of reality, proving that bread is still more important than freedom and that the dumb are incurably dumb. Apparently, humans cannot eat pixels.
5. Suddenly race is back in the picture, but you thought you were done with that conversation, OK? You are Caucasian, just a bit darker. Why don’t they just check your career history?
THE NEO-LIBERAL VERSION:
6. All of the above, plus the burden of human interaction
Reading: You will soon lose an important aspect of yourself – your mind or the entire head
THE SOCIALIST VERSION:
1. Trump is in it. He is taking from the working class and giving to the 1%, fueling the wet dreams of disciples in obscure corners of Europe. He is himself taking cues from his rival Kremlin satrap, in a country where the 1% hold 90% of production.
2. Inequality is trendy. The sweet ideal of fair income distribution has been shattered with endorsement by Europe’s so-called “social democrats”, eroding the continent’s welfare systems by reverting to classic bareback liberalism.
3. Multinationals have swallowed small businesses and reinstated slavery – overtime is big, competition bigger and Europe’s young die from exhaustion on unpaid internships in the glass towers of the rich. The ultimate target: a measly monthly salary and a skimpy benefit package.
4. Instead of building trust and ties between workers, advance in communication has had the reverse effect – creating dissent between people ultimately having the same simple demand: to be fed because they were born and live. No hopes for a new digital Comintern.
5. Restart of the system is much needed, but unlikely. The poor have failed to educate themselves since 1917 and European states have been too busy avoiding any real action against corporations to take care of cultivating their populations. Now they watch Netflix.
Reading: You may end up in jail
THE CONSERVATIVE VERSION:
1. Soros is in it. He is a twisted serpent with red eyes wrapped around a devil’s throng, his multiple lackeys spreading the poisonous concepts of liberal thought, such as freedom of expression and self-initiative.
2. Moral relativism is rampant in Europe. The boundary between good and evil is all blurred and there is no area of life left untouched by the slimy tentacles of contextual interpretation. Even such basic aspects of society, such as procreation, family and gender.
3. Christian values are receding, leaving behind a foul gap in meaning, filled with libertinage by people in suites doing little else than taking drugs in posh city offices. They are all foreigners in those corporations that do nothing but suck the wealth out of decent, law-abiding church-goers.
4. Innovation and advance in communication have exacerbated societal failures across the continent by pouring in too much useless information. Fortunately, there are also good sources revealing the truth as it is – just as you suspected, the fact that you are poor is due to a global conspiracy of invisible elites.
5. Governments have been anything but instrumental in encouraging self-restraint, maintaining boundaries and keeping social order to be observed by all people, particularly by newcomers from other inferior cultures.
THE FAR-RIGHT VERSION:
6. All of the above, plus fuck the migrants, and all other such scum, because…well, fuck the migrants. And Hitler was right.