You wouldn’t imagine what happens on Friday night in Hell, Berlin’s latest club. Perfectly sane people get on their knees and whimper like dogs, as if they have been enchanted by an evil creature from the abyss. Naked shadows are seen crawling on the walls, distorted faces vomit in the toilets and red unblinking eyes stare at you at every corner. And it is sweltering hot all the way, while the DJ plays something that sounds like Beelzebub banging on a cauldron with a femur. On one of those nights we met Viktor, a vampire, who claimed he was there by mistake. He went out on a night off, got mixed with a strange crowd and ended up in the city’s dark underbelly. We were very surprised to hear vampires still exist in Europe, particularly after World War II and the defeat of Nazis. Viktor, as it turned a charming young client support for an international company, was kind enough to share with us a few words about his lifestyle and dispel some misconceptions about what it is to be a modern vampire in 21 century Europe.
E&M: Is it true you sleep during the day?
V: That is very much true. I work as customer support for clients located in America and Asia and have to take night shifts. I have been doing this for years, so I have grown averse to daylight. I also don’t like noise so my room is like a dark soundproof coffin (grins).
E&M: Do you really drink blood?
V: People constantly ask me that. I don’t drink blood, I have not been to Transylvania and I like garlic, which I happen to eat a lot. I just have a pale complexion and dark circles under the eyes from irregular sleep and overall exhaustion. It is also probably also my hobby, as I like exploring caves. There is nothing like being suspended from the ceiling of a cavernous grotto untouched by human presence.
I don’t drink blood, I have not been to Transylvania and I like garlic, which I happen to eat a lot.
E&M: Do you bite your victims?
V: In my case I am a victim of mostly douchebag clients. You would not believe what stupid requests I have received over the years. Sometimes I wonder whether they are able to read, as they never do. Once I had to take a call and explain how Excel works to an illiterate pig farmer. There have been many occasions where if I have not been patient enough I would have bitten their heads off, yes.
E&M: What about virgins?
V: Personally, I have never been with one. There was this colleague at work who I assumed appeared unattractive to men, as her mind capacity was limited and she was not among the fairest. I seriously believed it is impossible for a specimen like that to have relationships with anybody. Then we got drunk at this corporate party and we had an awkward fling. Turns out she slept with half the office and gave me a bunch of STDs.
E&M: Do you own a castle?
V: I wish. I live with 3 other people in an old residential house. My flatmates all work, so we don’t get to see each other much. I am the only male in the house by the way, so sometimes it gets tense, particularly near that time of the month. It is as if they are divesting their human countenances and turning into a coven of devil bitches (chuckles). But I generally like them and they don’t bother me as I am out at night.
E&M: They say you guys love classical music?
V: That is an absolute lie. The only times I have heard that kind of nonsense is when some confused music student had played the violin in the metro. And even then I have always imagined how I take the instrument and splinter it over their head. Na, count me out of that. I have a few playlists of trans and I am very happy with it.
E&M: Are you religious?
V: That’s for zombies. I am a vampire (dryly)
Now that is what I call a true vampire. Him and his foul servants sucked his land’s resources, drained his villagers, and yet he is still reigning supreme
E&M: What do you think about Vladimir Putin?
V: Now that is what I call a true vampire. Him and his foul servants sucked his land’s resources, drained his villagers, and yet he is still reigning supreme, a true weaver of the black arts! A little bit of intimidation goes a long way, don’t you think? He is showing Europe that red magic is a viable alternative to bullshit democracy, power and action vs. weakness and lies, if you get me.
E&M: Not a lover of LGBT, then?
V: That is a tough one. I like masquerade and circus performances. I like makeup. But if you ask me whether I would prefer to get sucked by some waxed buffoon in a gay club to a perfectly decent tramp in a back alley, I would probably go home and watch YouTube. Generally, I don’t care about emotions and stuff like that, human relationships and carnal pleasures make me queasy. I prefer to be on my own. Well, let’s say with little Jozik by my side (takes out his pet hedgehog from a basket, all smiling).
if you ask me whether I would prefer to get sucked by some waxed buffoon in a gay club to a perfectly decent tramp in a back alley, I would probably go home and watch YouTube
E&M: Aren’t you going to be lonely when the world ends?
V: I have not thought about that to be honest. I can certainly get away with a billion or two of the world’s population, but if every single human dies I guess it may get a bit lonely. Nevertheless, seeing where things are going it may be time to draw the line for humanity. Plus, I am more concerned whether I will survive myself. You know, if the climate gets so hot that it kills all the talking monkeys it may be a bit unpleasant for me as well, I am not a fan of heat. I prefer the winter season, as I like skiing.
Cover photo: Charles Rodstrom, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)