We have a special message to deliver from our sponsors. A joke of course, we are not affiliated with any entity with money to spare on extravagance such as free speech.
But we do have something to say.
You have probably noticed by now the exceptional quality of our work, which at some peak turns, including the current one, has surpassed the writings of several renaissance thinkers including John Grotto and Die Lay Lamar.
The day has come to disclose our secret. Buckle up because it’s going to be emotional.
Here it goes:
We are actually not from around here. You have heard about lizard people? Well, that’s us. It is all true. We come from a small planetoid in A2744 YD4, just a couple of billion years away. Our home, Privilegia, a colony of hard-working neo-liberals, was blown up by the plague of labour discontent.
Man has claimed his imprint on Earth by overcoming vast stupidity, Marxism and propaganda, but the Galactic Fingernail knows we were unprepared. What started as a simple discussion over the cost of labour soon degenerated into a full-on debate between emaciated intellectuals with goatees bickering over the perfect societal order. After spending eons of what you call “time” on listening to that, our reptile forbears eventually turned their gaze to the stars with the hope of salvation.
On the surface, it looked like a trip to a universe of faeces. But they said “What the hell, why not, let’s plunge”. They loaded all the left-minded “explorers” on a ship and send them off to a good start by crushing their minds, so they can never remember where they came from. The ship traveled and traveled until it hit a rock somewhere around Purosuino, lost steam and dropped to Earth, which by that time was mostly inhabited by hirsute banana loving quadrupeds.
What started as a simple discussion over the cost of labour soon degenerated into a full-on debate between emaciated intellectuals with goatees bickering over the perfect societal order.
You know the rest of the story – Atlantis, Egypt, the Roman Empire, Jesus, Lenin, it’s all us. We have been carefully steering all of humanity’s feats and humbly staying in the shadows.
But enough about us. What about you? How have you been doing while we were building civilization around you?
You did not go to school? We see, you don’t find any merit in formal education. You prefer the broader university of Facebook, a much more inter-disciplinary establishment, close to the people and their knowledge demands. Do not worry. We did graduate from a bunch of first-grade universities. And we will use the skills and connections to get at the top in real life. So we get those fat EU grants to help you.
Your country is shit? Plagued by corruption and pesky migrants trying to steal your bread from under your nose? Well yes, we have been there on holiday and it is kind of mierda, but the booze is cheap. You were thinking to emigrate? Of course, you can come here where everything works, the air is cleaner and birds sing, but you will be working in the sewers.
You are dying of heart disease at 50 because of the cigarettes, the inactivity and greasy food? Because you don’t know any better? Oh, it’s just a phase. We are sure it will pass. When you do.
You want a job like ours? Paying 1000 pesos per hour. But didn’t you know there is a reason we get those kinds of jobs? Of course it is not education and hard labour. Tuition is peanuts for our families and jobs are already out there, waiting for us to graduate. We don’t need to do anything but exist to tap all the advantageous belonging to us – they were there before mankind even knew how to stand erect.
You are dying of heart disease at 50 because of the cigarettes, the inactivity and greasy food? Because you don’t know any better? Oh, it’s just a phase. We are sure it will pass. When you do. For now, just buy the shittiest food you can afford, feed your kids with it and don’t even throw your garbage without the car. Then if you would drag a few years half-alive – many of our reptile friends are in pharmaceutics, and they want their cut as well. Nothing personal, just business.
That’s all right. You can hate. It’s good to hate. We got you covered, we do an amazing job at knowing what’s right.
You have been busy rallying behind Trumpin, Korban and all the other populist warlocks roaming Earth. That’s all right. You can hate. It’s good to hate. We got you covered, we do an amazing job at knowing what’s right. We manufacture the truth, selling it to you cheap along with the effigies you chose to embrace so delightfully indiscriminately. We know what needs to be done if you let us, but you won’t and we won’t – let’s not disturb the balance.
You don’t trust us? We don’t blame you, many secret accounts of our machinations have leaked into the open, and we both know it is even worse than that. Correct, Greta Thunberg is one of ours, she was cultivated in a vial in the deepest, darkest corners of our Siberian estate. Parents were fake. Ecology, feminism, vaccines, those are also all indeed parts of our agenda to make you dimmer.
It’s fine, really. It’s fine to doubt everything you read. It is hard to trust us. However, we trust you. We are confident you will do great at being who you are. Thank you for that. Much appreciated.
Disclaimer: this text has been approved by the Intergalactic Masonic Lodge.
Cover photo: T, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)