Diaphragm’s crew is attempting a serious analysis of an aspect of the health crisis that has so far found little coverage in the available studies – the effects of the pandemic on the love industry of Honduras. The article proposes a tentative conceptual framework allowing to position ontologically the currently prevalent crisis origin narrative. Further discussed are four identified exit scenarios based on the observed patterns of social degradation before and after the crisis.

Hi folks. We are not sure if you have heard, but there is a pandemic going right outside your door. Yee Haw. Bring it on. Now you can get into the van and go out shoot them zombies. Well, not exactly, there are zombies, but you can’t get out.

Anyhow, if you were wondering about what the cause of the pandemic was, our inside sources already have the answer. We were planning to sell it to some populist, there is already interest from Bozonaro and Funt. However, since we are so infatuated with you, reader, we have decided to release it for free.

The pandemic was caused by, hm, the alien Rupert, a reported biped giant, who was passing nearby on his way to a grocery store. He was misfortunate to not find any wipes (in the universe they have their own pandemic) which was made even more misfortunate by the fact he was in a bit of a hurry as nature had made his peristaltic susceptible to travel. Long story short, Rupert had to relieve oneself urgently. And the closest restroom was Earth.

About 20 centuries later Chinese explorers reached Egypt and got hooked on what they described as “chocolate mummies”, an exotic dish (basically mummies preserved in Rupert’s space doodoo) some would pay hefty sums to acquire as it was a strong aphrodisiac.

That was about 25 thousand years ago, when the only proper facilities were some pyramidal structures in present-day Africa. About 20 centuries later, Chinese explorers reached Egypt and got hooked on what they described as “chocolate mummies”, an exotic dish (basically mummies preserved in Rupert’s space doodoo) some would pay hefty sums to acquire as it was a strong aphrodisiac.

Rupert’s landing site | Photo: Jacquod1, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)

As you can imagine the whole affair was quite toxic and full of God knows what bugs. But it did not affect the hosts so much then, because they had built immunity thanks to all the cannibalism and sodomy. Once gone though, nothing could stop the plague from spreading like melted chocolate on a candy. And here we are.

Joking of course. Everybody knows the pandemic was developed by Zionists in a secret lab hidden deep under where the permafrost used to be.

Since we have come this far we also feel obliged to tell you the four available exit scenarios from the crisis, which we have written on a piece of toilet paper (300$ per roll if you are interested, call at 1-223-896-SCREW-THE-GOVERNMENT-THE-COVID-AND-EVERYTHING-ELSE):

You draw the curtain

Ah come on. Don’t take it so seriously. No reason to be overexcited. Save your energy for the big hunger ahead. Take the grand finale as a game of chess. You know you can’t hide your ineptitude for too long, only a few moves and you are done. So, just sit, relax and wait for the final blow to send you straight on that eternal voyage to the Maldives you always dreamed about.

All things considered that could be the best thing that has ever happened to you since, well, birth. What do you have to lose anyway? Your 9 to 5? Didn’t you hear the 20-year-old that did a corporate job for a month before quitting to start an online business – it is robbing you of your potential.

What do you have to lose anyway?

What else? Love? It’s too degrading to your own self. Savings? They will be eaten up faster than a Big Mac gobbled by hungry scavengers in a post-apocalyptic wilderness. Intellectual or artistic aspirations? Let’s say you are the lucky chimp that writes another Capital after playing with the typewriter for eternity. But then it turns out people only read lists. Your followers on Insta? Can you really influence anybody to be less of an asshole?

Nah. Leave all that. Put on a pair of shades, a Hawaiian shirt, grab a coconut colada and sprawl on a deck chair in the sun. This is your party after all.

Joking of course. This does not happen here. We are a first-world economy.

Party time. Just wash your hands at the door | Photo: David Graff, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)

You have a long goodbye

Now that is more like it. A quick farewell is cool. It’s widely endorsed. But suffering is a whole lot different. Imagine not being able to click a selfie at the tip of a cliff in Borneo? No new flagships to buy, your year abroad cancelled, your EU internship gone up in smoke. And what about drugs, how the hell you are you supposed to meet your dealer now? And even if the police do not intercept the stash drone, where on Earth are you going to take them? Back home with your momma?

And then one day, after getting through all of this, you wake up in the hospital and they tell you that the pink sludge you are spitting is not ice cream.

That is the most unpleasant burnout you could ever have. So, try to avoid it by eating more lemon and garlic.

Of course, that will never happen to you. Breathe. It is just a nightmare caused by staying home too much.

Photo: torbakhopper, CC BY-ND 2.0 (Flickr)

You stay but you are nervous

The most probable outcome. Say the health situation subsides, the economy bounces back from the abyss and by some awfully lucky odds the recession does not precipitate the advent of all kinds of increasingly brutal neo-tyrants, who don’t start a war and don’t actually wipe out mankind and the planet down the line.

In other words, all goes back to normal. Pink elephants graze on green meadows, shiny happy people leave their candy homes and prance around meeting and touching each other.

The next deadly virus | Photo: FolsomNatural, CC BY 2.0 (Flickr)

But you cannot rejoice with the others. You know it is all a hoax, that they are just starting, and you have to be vigilant. Snowflakes never sleep. They created the virus, so that they could come up with new vaccines to force down your and your kids’ throats.

At least they put the borders up again.

You stay but the others are dumb

Desirable, but highly unlikely. The others will always be smarter than you. They were always faster to like the cool stuff on Gobbledetube and PrickFrack, were less sleep deprived, risked and won, their smiling panda mugs stretched from here to the Caribbean, teeth shining brighter than the star of David.

Fast-forward to the end of the lockdown. The others have still found better places to hide from the batons of the regime enforcers. They know where the food banks are. And still look kinda hip. While you are pale as a tender vampire kicked to pulp by mutants in some back alley.

It will take a couple of world crises to get the balance right.

Cover photo: Brecht Bug, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)

  • retro

    Tangerine resides in a European country, which you have not even heard about (a small enclave between Mordavia and Vengria). He studied social engineering. A longtime fan of surrealist art, he tries hard to reveal the truly absurd aspects of everyday life in Europe.

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