We, Europe’s youth, are fed up. We need better policy to end the pandemic as soon as possible so we can return to writing travel blog entries in cafes where no lightbulb has a lamp shade and the matcha latte is 4,90€. That’s why E&M‘s Louis Westendarp took matters into his own hands and came up with a list of actionable rules to be implemented right now.
Here we are, almost one year into the pandemic. Europe feels like a group of surfers, as we are awaiting the next wave to hit. Surfing would be fun, but our situation is not and surfing is probably forbidden. We, young professionals with an interest in problem solving, declare a state of emergency as our European leaders seem to sleep.
Since day one our leaders are sticking to the same tools to resolve the crisis it has not brought us anywhere near progress. Instead, we are standing still and politicians rely on summer to arrive and corporations with a profit motive to provide a vaccine for everybody. The vaccine-plan is behind schedule and (unfortunately) we cannot force summer-temperatures in March, although we have been working on the climate to change for decades.
This is why we have to think of new ways to fight the pandemic NOW. Lockdowns are fun, but they are not even remotely the only effective tool in fighting the virus. Too many activities that spread the virus go unpunished. Selfish people, that want to see the curve go up like GameStop stocks in January, are risking the rebirth of our social life that we are all bitterly hoping to experience. Even worse, they risk that we can now watch professional sports on pricey premium plans.
So we, like the good hedge fund managers in January, have to short these people. And by short we mean reducing their activities, their interactions, and their will to live so they crawl back into their homes where these covidiots should be anyways.
We propose a list of cutting edge policies that we urge all European leaders to consider and discuss on their next Zoom call. If Covid-19 is Bill Gates, we have to be Steve Jobs and provide innovative policy that the people want. “Thinking outside of the box” is the need of the hour to enable us to celebrate the EURO 2021 with close family relatives and one person from another household.
Thus, we suggest the following policies to our beloved leaders:
- Banning non-essential breathing
- Mandatory mask during intercourse, condom optional
- No more speaking in public, promote the use of sign language
- Wii Sports for everybody
- Corona App 4.0
- Preferred vaccinations for hair stylists
- Amazon prime for everybody
- Laughing only in elbow
- 1,6m distance rule
- Crack down on going for a walk
In case of misconduct we also propose a list of fair and just punishments that will surely enhance compliance:
- 10 years in prison
- Ursula von der Leyen carpool karaoke
- Sputnik V Vaccine
- Rewatching the first presidential debate
- Quarantine with David Guetta
With this fresh list of policies under the belt, Israel and the US will turn so jealous they wished they had slowed down their vaccination efforts. Yet, we Europeans demonstrate our superior intellectual powers once more to the world and limit freedoms in a way that makes even the Chinese go „dope“. We overcame World War 2 and the Eurovision Song Contest, so let’s be smart and overcome Covid-19 also.