European film pitches à la carte.

We see you are interested in modern European cinema. At least you must be if you are visiting our Pitch this section for the fourth time (previous three here, here and here). And it is the place to get the latest insight in what is cool and current about film in a disintegrating continent. Plus, we are pretty sure we are sitting on the next La Vita è Bella.

Our next offering is a movie exploring the century-old European practice of exploiting sex, cruelty and subversion for political gains.

Pitch 4: Continental Liaisons

by Charles Espèce de Cochon

Comte de Cendreux, a puissant Social Democrat, is devising a revenge plot against his ex-lover, the petit couillon Gérard Baudet, who has become a courtesan for Russian oil money. Cendreux has had many paramours and often at the same time but only Gérard has proven sufficiently ingenious to break away from his master’s tight embrace. To humiliate Gérard, Cendreux plans to expose Baudet’s offshore accounts and questionable investments in the Asian mining industry. However, Baudet is unlikely to lose credibility as he also owns several media outlets who start a vile public countercampaign against Cendreux. The Comte is accused of corruption, zoophilia and even pronounced a communist.

Further aggravated by his former lover’s machinations, Cendreux decides to seduce Baudet’s estranged sister from another mother, Clotilde de Désordonné, who has grown as a deeply devout green activist. Through an intermediary he offers her a fat paycheck to abandon the movement and state publicly that global warming is a conspiracy masterminded by Soros. However, Clotilde maintains her chastity in front of big money and refuses to betray her tenets. Seeking for leverage, Cendreux hires Anaïs Langourde, a closet climate change denier, who poses as a staunch feminist to infiltrate the green grassroots organisation and blackmail Clotilde.

The kiss of betrayal | Photo: Johanna, CC BY-SA 2.0 (Flickr)

Désordonné is immediately drawn by Langourde’s vehement stances on gender equality and habitat preservation and is soon all over her. Anaïs uses the newly gained trust to intercept Désordonné’s communication. Among her emails she finds a letter from Baudet containing a video of obscure figures in monkey costumes copulating at the rhythm of Beethoven’s 9th. Désordonné, who passes by the office after a tiring mobilisation campaign, catches Langourde red handed and treats to throw her out of the window. Cornered, Anaïs advances on Désordonné and makes aggressive love to her right there and then.

In a rare bout of remorse, Anaïs admits she is no feminist and would not mind domestic violence and traditional gender roles. To her the environment can go to hell.

In a rare bout of remorse, Anaïs admits she is no feminist and would not mind domestic violence and traditional gender roles. To her the environment can go to hell. She explains that she needed Cendreux’s money to start a human trafficking business, but now that they have come together she is not sure – maybe they could invest in the sex industry. Clotilde is utterly appalled, but also completely punch-drunk. The two lovers decide to devise a revenge plan of their own and expose all the powers of the status quo bringing them down, starting from Cendreux and Baudet.

Unbeknownst to Cendreux, Désordonné and Langourde, Boudet also has put in practice a plan of his own. During his long exploits in the Russian wilderness he has come across Lenochka, an extremely attractive, cold and scheming young woman, who is not afraid to pass through blood and guts to get out of her home town of Dudinka. Boudet uses his Kremlin connections to put Lenochka on an extensive espionage programme turning her into his deadliest pet. To test her credentials, Lenochka is sent to the USA where she manages to spin the heads of several redneck policy-makers from the gun lobby who donate lavishly to funds registered in the Cayman Islands. But Baudet’s ultimate target is the demise of the Social Democrats in Europe, whom he sees as remnants of the disintegrating old regime. To achieve his goal, all he has to do is destroy Cendreux and the clique around him.

Unbeknownst to Cendreux, Désordonné and Langourde, Boudet also has put in practice a plan of his own. During his long exploits in the Russian wilderness he has come across Lenochka, an extremely attractive, cold and scheming young woman, who is not afraid to pass through blood and guts to get out of her home town of Dudinka.

Society | Photo: Pieter Vanhaecke, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (Flickr)

The dramatic last act starts with an invitation for a social event which both Cendreux and Baudet receive. The reception is organised by Marquis de Puanteur, an obsolete aristocrat who has not been seen in society for years and is considered dead by many. Both main characters feel something is wrong but the guest bill is too rich to ignore, including the cream of EU bureaucracy. Unaware of each other’s presence, they stoop on the event like vultures on a carcass.

Baudet arrives first and is led to the main ballroom by a valet only to find that none of the guests has arrived. He reaches for his cell phone but is knocked out with a roasted calf shank before he can message Lenochka. Cendreux also arrives and is hamstrung with a rubber cactus in the antechamber, passing out from the pain.

The dark figure removes the bodies’ masks revealing that Cendreux and Baudet have raped their own younger selves through some twisted space-time vortex.

When Cendreux and Baudet regain consciousness they find themselves in a neon-lit room decorated in pink tiles and golden fugues. They are terrified to see each other naked and restrained. A giant muscular figure steps in and whips them so well they start whining like hyenas. Then a distorted voice orders them to copulate with two bodies in monkey costumes they find lying on the floor next to them. The dark figure removes the bodies’ masks revealing that Cendreux and Baudet have raped their own younger selves through some twisted space-time vortex.

Désordonné and Langourde enter the room and announce that the whole scene has been staged and filmed as revenge to neo-liberal elites. However, the muscular figure appears again, slams Désordonné and Langourde to the ground and forces Cendreux and Baudet to eat marmite on a toast.

Sobbing in despair, the two former lovers admit how sorry they are, Cendroux for letting the tax dogs on Baudet, and the later for painting an unfavourable media portrait of Cendroux, while he has always been the one interested in sex with animals. They also apologize to their tormentors for entangling them in their perverted games.

The giant reappears and reveals himself as Lenochka, unties everybody and says the whole thing has been a prank, of the kind they used to play between friends back home in Dudinka. Lenochka nevertheless uploaded the footage online to share the gag with the world.

The final scene sees Baudet as a shepherd resting on a hill while his herd is bleating and munching green grass all around him.

Cover photo: Vicki BurtonCC BY-SA 2.0 (Flickr)

  • retro

    Alex is Bulgarian and is currently stationed in Poland. He did Politics & Security at University College London and specialised at Charles University in Prague for a year. He is an analyst with interests in the region of Central and Eastern Europe.

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