So, you want a job, huh?

There is a very simple way to guarantee this: find yourself a nice shiny DeLorean (other makes of time machine are available and will do the job if you can’t afford the top of the range model) and go back in time to make sure that at least one of your parents run the company you want to work for.

This is route one, and frankly it’s the best.

Beyond that, there are many legitimate ways of getting a foot on the ladder.

SUGGESTION 1

Seriously, you can write a cover letter in the form of an acrostic poem!

Suggestion 2

If you’d prefer, you can take the high road. Literally. Do some coke with the most senior executive you can find on LinkedIn and then either befriend them or blackmail them – both work.

SUGGESTION 3

Why don’t you go and work ninety hours a week to pay for six months of unpaid internships, the requisite social schmoozing and a capital city room? After three years of undergraduate studying, as many extracurriculars as you can muster and possibly even a masters degree you should be set.

Why don’t you go and work ninety hours a week to pay for six months of unpaid internships, the requisite social schmoozing and a capital city room?

Once you’ve done that, you’ve probably got a puncher’s chance of beating Tarquin Branson to that minimum wage job at the Guardian.

Unless it goes to the Chief Executive’s kid.

SUGGESTION 4

Drink away your sorrows. It doesn’t directly help, but you do get to get drunk. It won’t get you a job, but being pissed will pass the time. Who knows? You might find yourself a bartending job, or in hospital. (Or dead, but let’s not be too hopeful.)

SUGGESTION 5

Sex. Use it.

Suggestion 6

Practice ingesiting caffeine through your eyeballs. This skill will come in handy in the law and finance fields. (As will the cocaine above.)

Photo: Phil Roeder Licence:CC BY 2.0. You could be this happy in a job.
Cover photo: Jesus Corrius Licence: CC BY 2.0

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