As we publish issue 42, the historic vote on the name of FYR Macedonia is set to take place. In honour of the potentially sad loss of another great country, here are some of the most storied nations no longer available on a good quality map… 

The Austro-Hungarian Empire – Until a poor choice of alliance put the skids under the archdukes during the First World War this place was a really big deal. Great for mountain retreats and the sort of castle that looks direct from Disney.

Assyria – 1) This was a real place, seriously. 2) It’s not where the civil war is.

Genovia – The Princess Diaries is a historical document, don’t [at] me.

Italy – The many warring states of the peninsular had very little chance of remaining united after Garibaldi’s efforts during the 1860s. It was a brave idea, but alas one that couldn’t last….

…Wait. this worked? Garibaldi’s Italy is the same country that’s allowed that charmless fascist Salvini to take over… Shit.

Czechoslovakia – Famous for spies, beer and falling apart. I miss Czechoslovakia, not least because it was terrific at getting to the quarter-finals of football tournaments.

Czechoslovakia, a once great nation. | Picture: Otodo, Licence: CC by SA 2.0

Yugoslavia – See entry for Czechoslovakia. Additionally, when Yugoslavia existed, there were several countries which had a much less horrific recent history.

Serbia and Montenegro – We have a lot of love for a marriage of convenience at E&M.

Yorkshire – Did you hear that Yorkshire were fourth at the 2012 Olympics? Me too. I wonder what happened to that grand old country. What’s that you say? There has never been a country called Yorkshire? I don’t believe you. I hear it’s the sporting capital of the world! Not even in in the medieval period? Wasn’t King Arthur a Yorkshireman? Why else do we have Yorkshire tea…

The Ottoman Empire, Byzantine Empire, Roman Empire – Do you spot the pattern? It was evidently not good luck to put the word “empire” in your name. Unfortunately it usually ends with a “sack” (According to Game of Thrones, this means lots of people come to your capital city and burn, rape and pillage. This does not sound fun. Empires are not recommended.)

The British Empire – A special case, not so much a country as a hugely unpleasant moral stain on the West. Fuck it.

Cover photo: Rosella Fiore, Licence: CC by SA 2.0

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    Samuele Volpe is a real person of age and location undisclosed. For all enquiries please hire a private detective. Or follow him on Twitter @samuelevolpe

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