And now for something completely different – what follows is a non-forensic examination of the Brexit car crash. 

Being British and nominally pro-European often feels a bit like being on a slow-motion shipwreck.

But if you’re a disinterested European observer it’s probably been a darkly funny year or two watching the little island with delusions of a definitely not quite abhorrent empire self-flagellate.

In case any of my European friends had missed the satirical gift that is Brexit, here’s a brief guide.

Her Royal Highness Theresa May Esq. | Picture: EU2017 Estonian Presidency (Flickr); Licence: CC by SA 2.0

In short

March 29th isn’t very far away. Theresa May managed to agree a withdrawal agreement that no-one will vote for.

She knew this would happen, but had hoped to avoid letting parliament vote. So far, so democratic.

Will of the people, eh?

Unfortunately for her, parliament disagreed and made it so there will have to be a vote.

What the vote will even be on, is up for debate.

Will it pass? No-one thinks so.

Where that leaves us? Who knows?

The Labour opposition’s plan is to renegotiate a deal EU leaders have said repeatedly is final.

An exercise in cringe-worthy branding continues – some want a People’s Vote, some a Final Say.

Others just want someone to get a fucking time machine and threaten ex-PM David Cameron. Perhaps if someone had said they’d burn his shed (where he’s now not writing his memoirs), he might have been persuaded to swerve this shitshow.

For now, we ride on.

Some of my favourite numerical facts

1 – Irish border. The one that 90% of mainland politicians cheerfully forget every minute and a half.

0 – Ships owned by the ferry firm the British government has contracted. They are supposed to be running freight services in case of no deal. They copied their website terms and conditions from a takeaway food website. And forgot to remove references to pizza. These facts are presented without comment.

3 – Special Brexit ministers in little over a year.

0 – People who had heard of the third, Steve Barclay, before he got the gig. Not including his mum.

£65 – How much EU citizens are going to have to pay to ‘regularise’ their status living in the UK. Lovely stuff, eh. Second-class citizens, much?

1st – the UK’s position in the fridge importing industry after a health minister felt compelled to spend spend spend to help stockpile medicine.

A good job

…summing things up, credit to Channel 4:

Featured image: Tiocfaidh ár lá 1916 (Flickr); Licence: CC by ND 2.0

  • mm

    Samuele Volpe is a real person of age and location undisclosed. For all enquiries please hire a private detective. Or follow him on Twitter @samuelevolpe

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