mating

There’s no doubt about it: romance has emphatically entered the internet age. But it’s a jungle out there: elusive spiders will try to ensnare you, werewolves will lure you with romantic laments before showing their true natures when you hesitate to reciprocate, and toucans will bore you with their total lack of subtlety or self-awareness. With E&M‘s handy field guide, you can avoid the nasty predators and find your perfect mate.

Spring has arrived and with her comes the season of romance. Snow starts to thaw and so do the winter’s frozen hearts. Strength renewed, life begins again and couples pop up like crocuses. But there are still some lonely hearts out there, and for those searching souls the solution might lie in online dating sites. So in this issue we explore internet dating profiles!

Chocolate-obsessed mermaids on pink ponies, werewolves, toucans, butterflies (not only in your stomach), holy squirrels who know you horoscope, the filthy rich guy, the orangutan suffering from muscle hypertrophy syndrome: these are just a few of the many exotic species you are likely to meet online. Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly disappointed teenagers, cats and middle-aged guys lurking in the depths of dating websites), we introduce to you the non-exhaustive (but pretty accurate) list of internet dating stereotypes.

Turn your Barry White on, it’s time for some lovin’! Disclaimer: While reading the list below, remember that while writing this we are shouting: “Say no to discrimination, all profile pictures of kittens are equally cute.”

1. The butterfly Daisy, always on the go, has the soul of a traveler. Daisy has been all around and yet she yearns for more. Her profile will feature a carefully curated but still too vast collection of pictures detailing her many adventures. This wanderlusting insect can’t grow roots in any one place and has most probably fallen in love a million times (none of them deep enough to stay, though), so you might wind up not feeling very special…

spider
The silent watcher: are you on the menu? | Photo: Gnissah; CC-BY-SA 3.0 (Wikipedia)

2. Browsing through the forest of profiles, you might stumble across the occasional spider. An incomplete profile with short elusive answers, dark or heavily photoshopped pictures, it’s hard to know much except for (maybe) the sex and nationality of the spider in question. We don’t even have a name for the Spider. Don’t be fooled by his or her enigmatic ways though. The spider is paying close attention, keeping tabs on potential prey. If you catch its attention, you might find yourself tangled.

3. Meet Jo, the spider’s first cousin and confidante. The common European adder is the ever-online professional chatter who uses abbreviations only. “Hi, darlng, asl? Gr8 pic, luv ur legs.” If you are lucky, you might come across one who inquires how you day has been before commenting on your looks. Expect a lot of compliments, casual mentions of his millions in Switzerland, and a few pictures of his visit to his uncle in Monte Carlo. Jo is the personification of the phrase “filthy rich”, whether or not the two adjectives always apply to him at exactly the same time.

4. Abbie (nicknames Abs) is the chimp whose whole existence (and profile picture) is focused on working for and flashing a very tight six-pack. His or her ultimate goal in life is to convince another living creature that touching Abs’ stomach is a pleasant and highly desirable experience. Although his or her profile says Abs lives in Majorca, the chimp actually inhabits a dark fitness studio in the north of Norway. Do you dare to date Abs in real life?

5. Looking for true love, commitment and long walks in the beach, lamenting the lack of good guys/girls out there, promising candlelight-lit dinners and a lifetime of devotion, the Werewolf is all about romance. Until you don’t reply to his messages, that is. One moment you’re the cat of his/her dreams, the next you’re just another ungrateful gold-digger. The bi-polar species of the online-dating fauna.

6. Cat (short for “come-and-touch”) is the online god/goddess of genitalia. You haven’t seen them and have no idea what we’re talking about? Imagine spring, blossoming cherries, and constant deeply disturbing meowing, yelping and licking. Cat is possibly the inspiration for Lars von Trier’s latest masterpiece. Send a “hi” and get a fixed time and place date plus a free unsolicited picture of their private parts. You’re welcome!

toucan
The toucan’s unique list of hobbies includes watching movies, having fun and hanging out with friends. | Photo: Dario Sanchez; CC BY-SA 2.0 (Wikipedia)

7. No endeavor to compile a list of the most typical online-dating profiles would be complete without the Toucan. This original species loves to laugh, likes good food and enjoys good music. Also a fan of good films. Have we mentioned that he/she is into doing fun stuff? If you’re looking for adventure of new and different kinds, you’re in for a treat with this one! Who would think that “having a good time” would be a pleasurable experience? Unless you’re looking forward to a date with Captain Obvious, you’ll be better off leaving the Toucan to its predictable musings. Next!

8. Dunstan. Dunstan. Dunstan. He does keep a shiny suit of armour at home, but the horse is not allowed at the parking lot, so no fairytales with him. Dunstan will seduce you with the finest quotes from 17th century poetry, “just for you, m’lady”. He will never admit his shortcomings (or short-sightedness), but you might receive a beautifully-crafted sonnet by the end of the chat session. Dunstan’s darkest secret: he is a moth.

9. When you are tired of compliments, abbreviations and pictures of unattractive body parts, you can always select Lenny from the online chat list. Lenny is a squirrel, but unlike other common squirrels, she is holy. She is living her seventh life on this planet and in a few seconds you might realise that she is also your long-lost second cousin, karmic soul mate or the mechanic who fixed your car last month. Lenny knows your future, your horoscope and how long your tyres will last, so don’t hesitate to contact her. She’s already expecting you.

10. Last and not least there’s Osvald, the Ox. Dropping hints here and there – and, indeed, everywhere – the Ox will make you think you just fell into that “nudge nudge wink wink” Monthy Python sketch. We got it the first time, mate! In case you do decide to go ahead and give the Ox a shot, bring some witty n’ dirty puns of your own prepared, you don’t want to be caught sounding like a prude.

The online dating jungle is vast and crowded and filled with pestering mosquitoes. But with this handy roadmap of profiles and a healthy dose of repellent, you should be able to ride your carriage straight to Loveland! Bon voyage!

original species loves to laugh, likes good food and enjoys good music. Also a fan of good films. Have we mentioned that he/she is into doing fun stuff? If you’re looking for adventure of new and different kinds, you’re in for a treat with this one! Who would think that “having a good time” would be a pleasurable experience? Unless you’re looking forward to a date with Captain Obvious, you’ll be better off leaving the Toucan to its predictable musings. Next!

8. Dunstan. Dunstan. Dunstan. He does keep a shiny suit of armour at home, but the horse is not allowed at the parking lot, so no fairytales with him. Dunstan will seduce you with the finest quotes from 17th century poetry, “just for you, m’lady”. He will never admit his shortcomings (or short-sightedness), but you might receive a beautifully-crafted sonnet by the end of the chat session. Dunstan’s darkest secret: he is a moth.

9. When you are tired of compliments, abbreviations and pictures of unattractive body parts, you can always select Lenny from the online chat list. Lenny is a squirrel, but unlike other common squirrels, she is holy. She is living her seventh life on this planet and in a few seconds you might realise that she is also your long-lost second cousin, karmic soul mate or the mechanic who fixed your car last month. Lenny knows your future, your horoscope and how long your tyres will last, so don’t hesitate to contact her. She’s already expecting you.

10. Last and not least there’s Osvald, the Ox. Dropping hints here and there – and, indeed, everywhere – the Ox will make you think you just fell into that “nudge nudge wink wink” Monthy Python sketch. We got it the first time, mate! In case you do decide to go ahead and give the Ox a shot, bring some witty n’ dirty puns of your own prepared, you don’t want to be caught sounding like a prude.

The online dating jungle is vast and crowded and filled with pestering mosquitoes. But with this handy roadmap of profiles and a healthy dose of repellent, you should be able to ride your carriage straight to Loveland! Bon voyage!

 

Cover photo source: Daniel Ramirez; CC-SA (Flickr)

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